The modern Italian

If YOU want to be a modern Italian, you must be prosperous, or, preferably, rich.
But it is not enough to be rich, you must also manifestly APPEAR to be rich.
The Italians, however, are a basically modest race, so you cannot just show off.
In fact, you must hide your richness in an ostentatious, pseudo modest manner, as if you were really poor.
Some time ago it was much more difficult to be rich, but as riches were then quite out of fashion, indeed, rather vulgar, this did not matter.
It would take too long to codify the entire art of how to look prosperous and how to bahave in this age of prosperity, but the main elementary rules are this:

1) You must get a place in the country.You remark casually:"Oh, we have a tumble-down old barn in Toscany..."
If you can throw such a sentence away nonchalanly and especially if you learn to blush modestly while uttering it, you will unfailingly give the impression of possessing a ducal mansion.

2)You must become amphibious and get hold of a watercraft of some sort.
Here again you must refer to "my little barchetta in Montecarlo" with an air as though it were a yacht to put Onassis to shame.
And it is a good idea to appear at the office-especially on Monday morning- in a dark blue blazer with shiny metal buttons.

3) You must choose your friends with the greatest possible care.
Titles are out of fashion.
If you have one, keep it in cold storage: it may come in useful again in the future.
The most sought-after people are Russians, as there is a notion that every Russian is a millionaire; Italian models(female) are also very popular; Persians and Middle East princes might be used in an emergency.

4) If you happen to be a butcher or a baker you will be helped along the way of prosperity by periodical wins in the Lotto.
It is a must on these occasions to declare that your win will not make the slighest difference to your way of life..

5) Finally, in this age of prosperity you simply must play the Stock exchange.
The basic idea is that you buy shares rather cheaply, wait until they go up and up and up and then sell them.
It is no good to buy shares at a high price and wait until they go down and down and down.

I personally do not play the Stock Exchange, because it is immoral.
I lend my money, most morally to my Bank, let THEM play with it and make 120 per cent profit for themselves and pay me 1,25 % fixed interest out of which I can pay income tax and feel a virtous and useful member of the community.