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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Is your girlfriend to be a "green"?

1. Don’t pick her up on a first date in the Hummer (or Ferrari or other gas-guzzling monstrosity). You'd think this would be "Eco-101", but I'm surprised at how many of you just...can’t...hold...back. This only reinforces your inadequacies, and I’m not just referring to the ones in the eco-friendly department.

2. Don’t invite her to a BBQ, especially not right after finding out she’s a vegetarian. I know your cousin's hunting skills are amazing - really, I do - but I'm amazingly not interested in eating whatever he's shot. If you must prevail, don’t forget to bring some veggies or something for her to eat so she doesn’t get tipsy on half a glass of wine and leave early with your best friend. I'm speaking hypothetically, of course.

3. Don’t forget to separate paper, plastic and beer bottles. The easiest way to an eco-girl’s heart is to know your way around the all-important triangle (Reduce, Reuse, Recycle).

4. Don’t show up at her place with dinner in plastic or paper instead of the canvas bag she bought for you. Because it took a lot of time to find a sporty, man-friendly style. So long her girlfriends got tired of hearing about it. Again, hypothetically.

5. Don’t get jealous when she’s chatting with the organic produce guy at the Farmers' Market. So local produce turns her on. Accept it. (It's only helping you out.)

6. Don’t fuss about the inconvenience of going green. Inconvenient? Seriously? This one just makes you look inept and helpless - not a good thing, Tarzan.

7. Don’t tell her that hemp is for smoking. Just don't.

8. Don’t ask if she shaves her underarms. Ha, ha. This question guarantees a...sarcastic...retort. Rest assured you won't be around long enough to find out the answer.

9. Don’t engage her in tiresome debates about the value of hybrids just to play devil's advocate in a "spirited intellectual joust". Don’t tell her she’s wasting her time because global warming is happening and there’s no going back. If anyone's exhausting resources, it's you.

10. Don't give her gifts that are bad for the environment and then act hurt and surprised when she is less than thrilled. We women love your romantic efforts and grand gestures - just not grand embarrassments. Diamond, yes. Conventional conflict diamonds, no. Vacation, yes. Private jet ride, no. Linda Loudermilk, yes. A fur coat, no. Sending a hybrid rental when her car breaks down, yes. Sending a Hummer limo to pick her up for the first date, no. (Again, hypothetical.)

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